HIIIIII okay I feel a certain degree of shame and embarrassment because i have been in australia for quite a while now ( 1 month 28 days to be precise ) and i made this blog mainly to update people on my hilarious misadventures and um yeah this is my first post. no one would have predicted that right, I'm usually so punctual and proactive I'm sure it was a great shock to everyone reading this... DONT KILL ME LYDIA I'M DOING IT I'M DOING IT. so yeah sorry about that, i kinda feel like the one kid late for the party, all shuffly and embarrassed with my hands in my pockets

uhh yeah so where the bloody hell to begin. i arrived in adelaide very confused and disorientated and sleep deprived after the world's longest flight ( probably literally ). I made the fatal mistake of speaking to the person next to me. i had to chat to this old woman about her granddaughter who is in performing arts for about 100 years so i was about to pull my own head off by the end. anyway my state of confusion did not subside when i went to pick up my luggage and realised EVERYBODY had the same suitcase as me. clearly business is booming for whoever manufactures those classic red square wheely bags coz they are obv the must haves of the travelling world. i was standing there hauling luggage on and off for about 45 minutes and i kept checking THE SAME suitcase over and over everytime it came round looool it was a bloody pharse. then i realised the one id checked then put back about 8 times ( I'm not exaggerating ) actually WAS my suitcase and my mum had just snuck a book i didn't recognise into the front pocket in a bid to get me to read one of her faves ( sadly not 'one good turn' rachel, i woulda recognised it straight away) GD ONE SHAYNE.

so it turns out adelaide is not the metropolitan capital of australia. in fact, adelaide is, i have been told, the 'rape capital' of australia and essentially a large country town. so festival time totally sweeps the city and makes it all mental for a month ( like a million festivals happen all at once ) then it just disappears into gold dust. it's like the city is briefly touched by the alcohol and churro fairy. ANYWAY the long and short of it is that everyone goes a little bit raj during february and it's SO GREAT. i was doing front of house for the first time which was EXCITINGGGG coz you got to use megaphones yep but according to marina ( one of the girls on my venue ) nobody could understand a word i said on those things because of my accent ? yeah that's another thing everyone thinks i have a super thick scottish accent when um i have the lamest most watered down accent evaaa. so anyway it turns out front of house work is HARD. never again will i scoff at those at assembly who complain about moving chairs and turnarounds and pre-ripping tickets. i was bruised and battered to the utmost degree from wrestling with ( and sometimes tripping over ) annoying heavy STUPID chairs. also you are on your feet. A LOT. anyone who knows me knows that my preferred position is horizontal ( shh) so this was a challenge. in the first week i couldnt deal with it so thought id just have a little lie down outside the venue you know. nicole, our third counterpart, met this with 'uhh you should probably get up, they wont be happy if they see you doing that' to which i replied 'but...but...I'VE BEEN STANDING ALL DAY'. we laughed about this conversation for weeks to come as i gradually realised that really important bosses tend to walk about the garden just observing us work, expecting the utmost professionalism at all times. which i delivered if any of my bosses read this. I'M SORRY I WAS YOUNG AND NAÏVE I'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN please rehire me

anyway i, to put it mildly, had a hoot and a half in adelaide. i don't think i have ever been in such a ridiculous routine, which went something like this: wake up ( around 1pm ) > eat something, usually with absolutely no nutritional value > go to work at 5 > finish at 1am > get a free drink YEAH EVERYONE GOT A FREE DRINK AFTER WORK HOW GOOD IS THAT > go to fringe club until late and drink your weight in 'tiki iced tea'  > repeat. the shows were great too, although my 'theatre degree' was really making appearances where it was not welcome GO AWAY SIMON MURRAY. this manifested itself in the worst way when i gratuitously attributed sexual themes into a children's show while i was watching it, decided that i wanted to share a little wink and a nudge with the artist like YEAH I GOT IT, ALL ABOUT MASTURBATION RIGHT ?! i approached him BOLD AS BRASS and all pleased with myself (despite protests from fraser our techie) and was met with "... ive never thought that... i don't really think these things when I'm doing these shows for kids". i had to backtrack and go on about how i have the mind of a theatre scholar and i've been trained to look for underlying meaning in everything but really, i think I'm just filth. i discovered the wonder of fried dumplings, and that EVERYTHING that is vegetarian here is also spicy, whyyyy put chilli on it Australia????? i had the pleasure of helping out at hot dub time machine which was pretty hellish, but nice to feel a smug sense of superiority when you see people all trashy and falling about. even though i looked the same way the night before. OH AND SOMETHING SO GREAT was that i flyered TOPLESS. yep there's a really great show called 'asking for it' ( check it out if you're in Melbourne ) and me and a few others agreed to exit flyer a show half naked which was super exhilarating and fun and LIBERATING MAAAN but yeah it was realllly fun and something I'll remember for ages !! it was really funny, the patrons looked all sheepish and uncomfortable and all of a sudden a lot of the staff had 'things to do' at the idolize tent. ONE FOR THE GRANDKIDS HEYYYY.

anyway that is essentially an extremely brief summary of some kl lil things that happened in adelaide. we drove down the great ocean road which was beeeaaauuuutiful but i think I'll save those stories for my next post ( to be written in approx 1.5 months ) and I'm now in Melbourne living like a hippy so dont be surprised if i come back to Edinburgh having grown a beard and hating on " the man" lots.

LOVE YOU ALL and sorry for being so rubbish at keeping in touch !!!!! tell me about you too i feel bad ranting on about myself on this thing MESSAGE ME

jess xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

ps everyones really good looking here